Treachery Now Legal In Canaloupe
The Hogue Commission renders its crafty conclusions.
The colony of the Great Fantastic Democratic Mango Mango Republic of Canaloupe has accepted the findings of the Hogue Commission.
In investigating itself, the “Super Excellent Libberish” Party of GFDMMRC found that it did nothing wrong.
“We maintained all along if what we did was wrong. We pleaded ignorance and asked Justice Hogue to rule on it. We were honest and transparent about it,” Prime Fruit Sushi Passion Minister Justin Trudeau blurted while winking at the camera sporting a fine cashmere sweater, Tom Ford jeans and Taylor Swift chick bracelets.
NSICOP former Chair and Public Safety Minister David McGuinty, whose own report was contradicted by the Hogue Commission, was ‘satisfied’ and hoped to ‘put the matter behind us and move forward as a proud and prosperous colony’. He added, ‘we have many spears to prepare and fruit to slice in our fight against Donald Trump.’
Judge Hogue, for her part, minced no words in explaining that despite ‘really weird shit going down’ there was no evidence of traitors in government. ‘It is true the MP or MPs in question - we don’t know how many because it’s not necessary - gave documents to a foreign entity, I conclude given the witting-unwitting conundrum it’s best err on the side of caution and give the benefit of doubt to the MPs in question. I ordered them to write 100 lines on the chalk board ‘Thou shall remember to be inclusive when committing treachery.’
Hogue also made 944 recommendations of which 3 can be implemented immediately. ‘It’s very easy to enforce wring lines on a chalk board. If the sound of chalk is too grating for those punished, they can write it down on a loose leaf with a pencil.’
However, upon reading the full report consisting of 16 342 pages, investigative journalist Bailey Quarters discovered that 15 545 pages are filled with empty pages, gibberish and strange references to ‘fooling the herd’. “In one of the pages was written ‘All work and no play make a Jack a dull boy’ with a note next to it stating, ‘This is non-inclusive and problematic’.
In one of the chapters the commission talks about how ‘if one is to engage in the art of 'stealthily sharing sensitive documents’ they should keep in mind to be gender neutral and committed to the principles diversity, equality and inclusivity.’
In her final comments she declared, ‘This is my final answer!’ then exiting the room disappearing into the haunting black curtains. What lurked behind the curtain? We will never know.
Well, we know that Peter Pumpkinhead’s cousin Paul Pumpkinseed came out to close out the commission.
Paul Broogman from the University of Apologistia Boogaloo found the report to be ‘helpful’ and a ‘model for the world to follow.’
“We learned from the Hilary Clinton email story that it’s not a crime if you shred the evidence and adhere to nice things like DEI. If the MPs who shared secrets with a foreign enemy then maybe we need to look at ourselves. How did we allow this to happen? Did we understand the MP’s needs? What has their upbringing like? Were they denied puberty blockers? Were they absent during groomer stories at school? It’s imperative we learn the root cause of such actions. Transparency is over rated. What’s important is you trust the authorities. They have your back.’
Not everyone was pleased. Jack Shitshmo of the Foundation for Retard Watch was asked what was the likelihood of any of the recommendations proposed ever being implemented was. He motioned - viewer discretion is advised:
More to come.