Sudden Muppet Death Syndrome Hits Sesame Street
"It's a bloodless bath."
After a video of Elmo getting vaccinated went viral, vaccination on Sesame Street skyrocketed. The hope and optimism that the shots would end Covid on Sesame St. - despite no recorded cases or deaths - have turned into a nightmare.
“It’s a bloodless bath because Muppets don’t have blood, you know. Muppets are strewn all over Sesame St. with sticks up their asses. Elmo is among the dead. It’s traumatic,” Bob said. “I haven’t been feeling too good myself after my 4th shot. I can’t remember the words to ‘Who are the, something in your neighbourhood’ without using an index card.”
Elmo’s death simultaneously sparked vaccine uptake and death soon after. “It’s the weirdest mortality curve on earth. Sesame St. has become Mortality St., former Blackrock investor Edward Dowd observed. “Look for the insurance figures to tell a tale grimmer than an Edgar Allan Poe short story.”
The sudden deaths have perplexed experts, exotic dancers, and doctors alike it what’s been termed Sudden Muppet Death Syndrome. “What we know is muppets were alive and well. Then they took an injection for a disease that did not impact them. Then they died. It’s a whopper I tell ya,” a doctor from the University of Science and Medicine Boogaloo said. “What’s important is not to jump to conclusions. We don’t know what’s causing SMDS much like SIDS and SADS. What we do know is it’s not the experimental shot. So it’s important for you kids out there to understand. Go get vaccinated,” cardiologist Eric Topol added.
Other beloved Muppets who have died include Big Bird, Ernie and Harry.
“Big Bird was a big, goofy galloop but I didn’t want him to die,” said one grieving person kneeling before Big Bird on Sesame St. before getting up and kicking him in the stomach.
“Idiot. That’s what you get for not asking questions.”
The Count was seen counting the dead as surviving muppets quietly picked up their dead colleagues.
“One. One dead muppet….ha,ha, ha. Two. TWO dead muppets ha, ha, ha….three. THREE. I count anything and everything but fuck, this is too much!. ,” The Count suddenly; burst out. “I cannot do this anymore!….ha, ha, ha.”
Leaning against his can pairing a pear, Oscar the Grouch and Roosevelt, who sat sitting on the steps of Ernie and Bert’s apartment were both observing the situation. “I told them. I told these idiots don’t get the shots. Elmo was a retard. He’s the last guy you follow. But they wouldn’t listen. Nope. Now they’re gone. Dead. It’s for the best,” he said getting up and walking away nodding his head in disappointment walking over muppets. “I tried to warn them….” Oscar added, “It’s a shame,” popping a piece of his pear into his mouth and hopping back into his can.
Tributes from the Twiterverse trickled in.
“RIP my loves. It coulda been worse!” said coreyILUV666.
JessHoop_123 wrote, “I can’t believe Harry is dead. Thank God he was vaccinated!”
In other news, it’s been discovered Dr. Anthony Fauci had been experimenting on muppets. Already on the defensive for using baby body parts and mixing them with mice and experimenting on beagles, Fauci could not be reached for comment.
In a statement from NIAID, they explained he was exploring the utility of muppet lint for baldness. “Baldness affects millions of men. Dr. Fauci cares deeply about this subject.”
Fauci offered no comment on the deaths on Sesame Street.
Isn't this the same as the guy in the van luring kids in with candy? What's the difference.....oh, it's ok because it's PBS, Sesame Street and big pharma.....a creep is a creep....same shit.........criminal.....
JD, your clever writing always makes me smile. Gotta see it for what it is no matter how sad.