Public Order Emergency Commission Provides Riveting Testimonies Of Courage

"Uber Eats was threatened".

It’s been over a week of testimony at the Public Order Emergency Commission looking into the government’s decision to enact the Emergencies Act.

“Quite riveting,” explained one observer. “I never learned so much behind the mind-numbing minutiae of policy wonking, passing the buck and non-leaders in positions of leadership. Absolutely fascinating.”

So far what we’ve learned is Canadians have an over-OCD-like interest in vehicle parking order and honking leading to a new medical condition called Post Traumatic Honk Disorder. “It takes so much courage to go up there and tell personal stories of this harrowing event,” explained a professor of politics and policy from the University of Much Boogaloo. “They say this is a fact-finding mission but really it’s an attack on the good people of Ottawa. Usually, with commissions like these, the government can ignore the final report. As it should. I mean, come on, Uber Eats was threatened. People who can’t eat, starve,” he continued.

Why do people have to park that way?

Some statements collected from Ottawa residents to justify the EMA include:

“They sang O, Canada with the original lyrics! That’s against the law!”

"Uber Eats was having a hard time delivering my food!”

“The play acting on display is fantastic. Better than Cats!”

"Police were concerned people were maskless. They had fewer concerns for trampling a woman with horses."

Question: "Did businesses suffer during the protest?"

Answer: "Our businesses suffered during the OCCUPATION."

Question: "But didn't many businesses also break revenue records due to the added foot traffic?"

Answer: "Well, ya, but... actually, no comment. But people weren’t in masks!”

"My moka chai latte was only luke-warm by the time I received it! I think Martial Law was justified”.

"The horns were triggering me. It was terrifying. I could not go get cat food.”

"Canadian Tire was refusing Canadian Tire money!!!!”

"A person on the street smiled at me! WITH A BARE FACE!! "

“Nail salon owners said they never saw so many nails and cuticles bitten to the bone people were so afraid of truckers.”

"The truckers stole all the Timbits. And didn't even eat them! "

“I get your point but government misinformation is still safer than private misinformation. I think everyone should wear a helmet when they read the Internet to protect themselves from the duo onslaught of dismisinformation. I think it’s the #1 role of government to protect me. Or else who would do it?”

"Rrrrroll up the rim to win was cancelled! "

"Whole Foods became Half Foods!! If we didn’t freeze bank accounts it would have become…..Quarter foods! That means food shortages!"

"The Red Zone was where the blood of children flowed after they were murdered by truckers!”

*With input from our friends at Fearless Canada.