Professor Says It's Time To Do Away With Debates

"Things have changed"

A Professor of Hard Thinking at Southside College Boogaloo suggests the calls for a Covid vaccine debate are dangerous and would only lead to the death of millions of people.

“What’s being proposed is literally scary. Quite frankly, it’s crazy. What’s next? A debate about masks? Lockdowns? We can’t have that. In order for our authority to succeed, we need one message and one message only in order to save lives. Competing opinions will only literally confuse an already confused and unenlightened public. It’s literally up to us to guide them literally holding their hands literally. Literally, millions will die. Many millions. Do you literally want that on your conscience?,” Professor Ian Lametrotter said.

The day things changed.

While this may come as a surprise to people, the notion of ending debates is a popular one gaining steam among academics.

Linda Palmettahead at Whoopeedoo Sciences is warming up to the idea. “Debating is exhausting. Always needing to prove and cite your position. I’m sick and tired of being asked ‘do you have a cite for that? Blech.”

What does this mean for Debate Clubs on campuses?

Ralph Wimpf Dean at Sizzles College (Where education sizzles with flavour) gives an idea of what’s in store for them. “They can do something else. Things have changed. What’s the big deal? Debating is just not productive. I should know. Everything’s been settled. Besides, I’m not so sure if it even fits our equity and diversity protocols. If you don’t mind, I have to choose some elbow patches for my blazer. This Tweed won’t pizzazz itself.”

What do students think of the idea?

“What’s a debate?” one student asked.

Another feels it’s time to ‘move on from white privileged and antiquated notions of discourse’.

Whatever happens, we can always take comfort that in the absence of debate, manufactured, curated, and imaginary consensus will more than make up for the deficit.