Plans To Convert Parliament Into A Daycare Embroiled In Scandal.

Financial and amorous shenanigans mar project.

An Ottawa businessman has found himself in hot water a mere two months after tabling a proposal to convert Parliament into the country’s largest daycare centre.

Fresh off the ArriveCan success, Monte Syzslak III, set his entrepreneurial talents on his most ambitious project yet. “I got the idea one day while watching a shouting match posing as a debate in the House of Commons. MPs having nervous breakdowns, clutching pearls, hurling insults, throwing Lego pieces….it reminded me of a daycare. They all looked like they needed their diapers to be changed they were so emotional and cranky. I asked myself now how can I score off this?” he told The Goolag’s assistant secretary.

“It was a fantastic idea. We should do the same for universities and public health institutions. While we’re at it, the courts too. We need the spots. It’s not like any of those places are doing anything of value anyway,” said one economist at the University of Big Empty Boogaloo.

But like most grand plans under this government, it ends in corruption, sleaze and intrigue.

Intrigue?

Proposed redesign

“It turns out the developer was having an affair with an MPs wife. The MP was lobbying to have his wife’s diaper company be the exclusive distributor for the daycare,” explained an insider close to the story. “I guess he ended up needing one of those diapers after the affair was revealed,” she dead-panned.

The initial cost to renovate and update Parliament to daycare code was estimated to be $4.2 million but ballooned to $973 million..

”That’s a lot of fat thumbs on the scale,” Enrico Henrique of the CBO said. It was a rare blunt statement from an office skilled in conveying budgetary and fiscal information in dry and measured tones.

Financial overruns wasn’t the only discrepancies found.

“It was discovered MPs lobbied Syzslak III to charge them $5 a day while the government was charging Canadians $10 a day for subsidized daycare. This IS what we call - Hang on lemme check my notes. “Hello, Cleveland!”. Just a sec. Oh. Here we go - bull spit. I mean, shit,” a part-time ethics umpire told us.

An aide to one of the MPs was heard remarking, “What’s the big deal? We have the lowest inflation in the G7!”

We asked the office of the Minister of Families, Children, and Social Development for comment but they did not respond only offering, “We’re looking into it. Ha, ha.”

As if all this wasn’t enough, questions about whether Syzslak III was fit to be a daycare operator were raised by childcare experts. We obtained private notes of what he intended as part of the educative program:

-Shmethics are not ethics.

-National security memos in Mandarin no bueno.

-The ‘To freeze or not to freeze’ game. I like this one. It goes something like, “Can you freeze pineapple? Yes. Can you freeze wood? No. Can you freeze a decapitated head? Yes. Can you freeze bank accounts? No. That sort of thing.

-Rules based no fun time.

-Making slush, staying hush.

-Learning DDEDIDSDDD: Diversity, Dodge, Equity, Duck, Inclusion, Dip, Shriek, Dive, Diversity And Dodge. *Should be taught in German and Soviet Russian.

The project has been put on hold as a committee looking into the matter conducts a performative investigation.