Ontario Science Table Releases Preventative Covid Guidelines
"The key word here is 'layered'."
The most scientific body in all of Canada has formulated a preventative protocol against Covid-19. The Ontario Science Table presented its guidelines at their table decked with nourishing accoutrements and ornaments of science boogaloo.
Peter Juni spoke on behalf of ‘The Table’ (TM). “These are just guidelines. By guidelines we mean it should be mandated. The table has spoken”.
With Covid-19 infections expected to never revert to the baseline, Canada’s finest scientific boogaloos demand government continue to impose measures and that people be forever vigilant.
“It’s not acceptable to live normal lives,” Juni said as he gently passed his hand over The Table (TM). “It’s mahogany. Well, it’s Sapele.” he added.
Focus has been put on the necessity of preventative action.
“Our thinking is it’s better to be safe than sorry. So a layered approach is necessary. First, wear a mask. Masks are the single most important and successful piece of equipment we have against viruses. Even though they’re not made for viruses but who’s sitting at The Table (TM), eh? Hm? Second, social distance. For the love of God! Stop fraternizing and fornicating with the enemy! Third, boost, boost and boost again. Fourth, divide the population along medical status lines. For that, we have our very own David Fisman (Pfizer rep) to ensure this happens. His work is very important. If things go wrong (and they likely will), we have someone to scapegoat and we get to preserve this lovely table.”
When someone in the room asked if that was just repackaged strategies they’ve been recommending since 2020, Juni gave a blank, stupid stare and responded, ‘What do you mean? We changed the font did we not?”
After another person asked a follow-up question, Juni screamed, ‘Look. Get off my back ok!?”
At that moment Isaac Boguch stepped in and added, ‘What he means to say is it’s very important to apply the precautionary principle. Indefinitely. Why? Because we know these actions work. The evidence is everywhere. Look around you.”
Another person asked, ‘But you’re sitting right next to Peter. Without masks.”
Boguch quietly got up, aggressively put on a mask and shouted, ‘Happy! You people are too stupid. If you don’t listen to us you will die! Understand! Wear the fucken mask! Where’s my passport dammit?”
And walked out of the room.
Non-plussed, Juni continued. “The key word here is ‘layered’. LAYERED.”
How does a layered approach work exactly?
“We just said it. Wear a mask, social distance, take your booster treatments, wear a mask again, carry a blanket for more security, and keep your distance. Layered.”
When asked to provide evidence for the effectiveness of a ‘layered approach’, he replied, ‘What part of layered don’t you get? We’re the evidence. This table. Capeesh?”
The Table (TM) announced if you have the following symptoms just sit tight and do nothing. “There’s no need for treatment protocols. None of them work and many are dangerous and will kill you. Best to just come to the hospital when you’re blue in the face and then we can stare at you and shove tubes down your throat. I tell ya, I’ve never seen so many people shrug their shoulders and high-five each other. Makes you want to dance,” Juni said again gently moving his hands over the table in a Zen-like manner.
OST symptoms update:
-Nausea, dizziness, vertigo, tearing, diarrhea, soft stool, hard stool, yellow urine, brown urine, green urine, ear ache, toothache, stomach ache, gingivitis, itchiness, anal rash, sore knee, cough, excess saliva, Tennis elbow, IBS, ankle pain, paper cut, fever, runny nose, runny ear, burning penis, warts, low iron, racing heart, blood clotting, dry lips, stinky feet, curled toe nails, red cheeks, body aches, chills, frills, urge for snacks, halitosis, slower than usual dimwittedness, allergies, lethargy, numbness, loss of taste and smell, blindness, dry eyes, sore throat, sore ego, sense of dupeness, suicidal, fear, cowardice, despair, tingly sensation in extremities, cool semen, unpredictable menstrual cycles, gender confusion, claustrophobia. arachnophobia, lower back pain, migraines, headaches, uncontrollable laughter, and addictions of all kinds.
It’s worth noting Covid-19 does not like freedom of speech or any criticism of the mRNA medical procedure and subsequent treatments. So if you exhibit any critical thought, please present yourself to your local psychiatrist and seek help.
Thank you and with love, OST (it really is a nice table).