Minister Suggests Abortion Fest.
"Democracy dies in the dark without abortions".
In reaction to the possibility the Supreme Court of the United States will overturn Roe v. Wade, Minister of Families Karina Gould announced in Parliament she will propose an Abortion Fest to the United Nations next week. In the same rant, she invited anyone from the United States to come to Canada for free abortion and refreshments.
“You think you’re pregnant and need that sucker plucked out? Canada is the place to do it because without abortion democracy dies in the dark.“ Gould continued.
“When I heard what those Americans were doing, I was literally shaking. I wanted to do something to show we’re better. Families and abortion go hand in hand,“ she later told reporters.
She added, “if you’re a man, you can get an abortion too. Don’t be macho. Just come and do it.”
Alito’s opinion so angered Canadians, that some political insiders wondered if they should make abortion mandatory. “I think it’s time we hit two birds with two stones and make both abortion and vaccination obligatory’ NDP leader Jagmeet Singh said while switching Rolexes. “But the Liberals are fake abortionists, unlike the NDP. We’re demanding the Liberals expand abortion to pre-schoolers. We’re better than Americans so let’s act like it.”
The government plans to convert several national parks into abortion sanctuary sites. “It’ll be fun. There will be music, bouncy houses, and cotton candy. Joni Mitchell and Neil Young will perform at various parks via Zoom! Painters will be present to capture the progressive festivities. We’re even bringing in a ‘Honk for ‘Bortions’ truck. All trucks confiscated during our benevolent Emergencies Act will be put to good use. Need I remind you that the act saved businesses, and lives, and lowered hospitalizations! Know what else saves lives and prevents infections? Gould asked.
When told the ruling’s main opinion was to re-establish states’ rights thus making it more democratic and in line with the U.S. constitution, Gould responded, “what the hell are you talking about? What the heck is a ‘Constitution?” Pressed by reporters, she was asked if she read the opinion to which she answered, ‘Are you kidding me? I don’t need to read an opinion to know what it is. We can all feel it’s about killing women and gays.”
Not everyone was pleased. ‘I worry about immigration’ said one person. Another, who claimed to be an abortion survivor was against the idea. “Look at me. I still have the hanger sticking out of my head thanks to a botched abortion. Look at it!”.
Gould was asked if the people she invited to her abortion bash needed to be vaccinated, she slipped her mask bang on and said while faking a cough, ‘I’m sorry. Can you repeat the question I couldn’t hear you without my mask on”. But before the question could be asked again, she bolted for the side door where she proceeded to not fall through a hole she failed to notice.