Liberals Redefine DEI; Introduce 'Clear the Benches' campaign.
'Now is not the time to go full snowflake'.
Heading into an election the Liberal party has unveiled their ‘Clear the Benches’ campaign a media communications memo revealed.
Sensing a battle with the Conservatives the Liberals were looking for something more aggressive than ‘elbows up”.
“An elbow in hockey is a two-minute minor. Big deal. ‘Elbows to the head’ would have sent a stronger message since that comes with a five-minute major and a concussion.,’ a Liberal strategist explained. ‘But they went for the minor hit.’
Rather than amend the slogan the Liberals opted for a new one altogether.
Sporting a 1981 Team Canada jersey a spokesperson for Mark Carney further expanded. “Clear the benches’ evokes a real fight. It includes sucker punches and elbows to the head’. It means ‘we’re in this together to flatten our opponent.’ You either jump on the ice and crack some heads or be cracked yourself. Now is not the time to go full snowflake.”
For his part, when asked about the new campaign and whether it was appropriate, if not explicitly violent, Carney replied, ‘I was the first hockey player to use the elbow as a weapon. I got a penalty but it was worth it. Just like this new campaign will be worth it when we make conservatives see birdies.’
A new campaign slogan wasn’t the only announcement made by the Liberals.
Facing criticism for installing a middle-aged male white central banker as an unelected leader, the party has sought to soften the perception it was abandoning their dogmatic DEI mantra.
“We will never ever give up on DEI as long as we have elbows and Trump exists,’ a political PR consultant hired by the Liberals explained to The Goolag.
Dip, Dodge, Diversity, Equity, Inclusion has been updated to DEIMISC. DEI + was also considered but as one insider told us, “adding a plus has been done,”
Another proposal was Diversity, Dip, Dodge, Diversity, Equity, Inclusion (DDDEI) but it too was scrapped for DEIMISC. Karen from Marketing Boogaloo and Associates liked the new makeover, ‘DEIMISC is far more inclusive. It’s like a mystery bag of assorted DEI.”
When asked if the change had anything to do with Low-enegy Carney (Lowney as his close associates refer to him) with the change, the PR office responded with a curt, ‘Well. let’s just say he presented a bit of a conundrum.’
And why was an outside consulting firm needed to come up with the updated? The response was, ‘Have you seen the talent in the party?’
The election is set for April 28. No news on whether the ballots will be in Mandarin or Cantonese. But we will be sure to let readers know of any updates.