Kellogg's Unveils Triple K

The famous cereal gets a makeover but sales didn't follow.

Hoping to get ahead of the curve and capitalize on the rising white supremacist trend, Kellogg’s unveiled Triple K.

Head of marketing Jane Quissling recounted the decision to rebrand during an interview two months ago while away on a spiritually guided hike tour in Bolivia.

“Hiking in Bolivia helped me find my spiritual marketing centre. One day, with my personal guided tour at my side carrying my equipment, I got the idea that with the rising popularity of white racists, why not mess around with the Special K brand? When I returned, our internal marketing models revealed it was something we needed to capitalize on. And we did. We wanted to go against the….grain. Special K had gotten too New-age flakey. What, with all the bare-footed women decked out in white clothes dancing or staring outside from a window eating ‘The K’ with strawberries. We needed to find a new edge.”

That edge was Triple K. “It’s still made with rice but comes in hot sauce, bourbon and smoked applewood,” Quissling explained.

However, soon after the launch, consumers didn’t take to the new product.

Part of the reason why they didn’t was because the trend of the rise of racists was overstated. “The models were garbage. The people who conducted the report wanted racists and white supremacists and they got it. Now they have a problem on their hands because no one wants to eat cotton-flavoured Triple K,” a professor of Consumer Cereal from a university said.

Another reason was the slogan. “Grand supreme Triple K. It’s sure to bring out the wizard in you’ was an own goal as they say in soccer. How it managed to make it past the brainstorming stage I don’t know,’ he added.

“Turns out consumers are a little more complex and nuanced than the models showed. Oh well. Did you know the ‘K’ is named for a researcher’s daughter whose name was Kathleen? I think that’s soooo cute. But it’s old-fashioned and time for a change. I’m thinking Karen. Special Karen has a nice ring to it.” Quissling said soon after accepting an award for her ‘Dedication to stockholder value through the company’s “Diversity, Inclusivity, Equity, and Diversity” program.

With sales plummeting a spokesperson told us ‘if they had to do it all over again, they wouldn’t change a thing’ as they showed us a shiny framed ESG certificate.

“Not sure how a company uses one of the most notorious racist organizations in the world (not BLM the other one) managed to get an ESG certificate,” an expert in Critical Business Theory said. “Odd times we live in.”