Hospitals Redefine Their Oath From Do No Harm to Follow The Fucken Protocols.

Neo-Enlightenment comes to medicine.

Hospitals across North America are revisiting their duty of care handbooks to update and reflect the changing nature of medical care.

“Covid changed everything. It was a blessing in some ways because we now have an opportunity to reset how we approach medical care,” Dr. Ananda ‘Don’t call me Amanda’ Slitterberg said.

“For example, we can now incorporate social justice into routine checkups by saying things like “Your blood tests are fine but have you checked your privilege?” as part of our duty in combatting systemic racism,” she continued.

Neo-Medical Enlightenment

Another aspect that needed updating was the new paradigm of misinformation, Dr. Nick Almoist who works in one of many hospitals in North America said, “We can’t have people coming in here asking all sorts of questions challenging our expertise. We’re very busy. And people who babble on about God are the worst. Like he has anything to do with this. God is the source of misinformation. One guy came in here, let’s call him Frere Dick Quequette, speaking of how we can but leave it in God’s hands. When I was playing football we had a name for people like that. Sissies.”

However, the medical establishment is up against some resistance. Groups representing patient rights want a say in the revamping of medical care. Matt Lafleur represents such a group. “I’m not sure what this is all about but I’ll ask someone who does. I think my friend Mike can help me.”

Professor of medical ethics and bioethicist Dr. Bob Bobby supports revisiting the handbooks. “Do no harm” is an antiquated term that wasn’t observed anymore anyway. Denial of care for people who don’t do as they’re told is now seen as ethical,” he explained. “That’s why I introduced a modern version of this notion invented by dead white men. It’s called ‘Follow the fucken protocols we experts tell you to fucken follow.”

Sounds bold.

We’ll see if it works out.

For now, it’s best to avoid hospitals until the handbooks are finalized with the input of stakeholders mostly made up of WHO and pharmaceutical representatives.