Francois Legault Unveils New Language Rules
"It is the duty of others to protect us."
Quebec premier Francois Legault, the Pequiste in drag, has decreed the following language rules in order “to protect Quebec’s interpretation of the French language”.
Decree #1.
If you’re in a household where one spouse is French-speaking and the other is English speaking, the French speaker must prevail. The English speaker must speak at 25% of the decibel level of the French speaker.
Decree #2.
If you are a family of three and two members are English-speaking, one must switch to French. This goes for all families with odd numbers. For example, if there are five members, three must speak French.
Decree #3.
If you are a family of even numbers, one member of the English side must switch over to make French dominant in the family.
Decree #4.
English language content will be limited to one show per day - radio or television. Or 30 minutes per day. Whichever impacts French less.
Decree #5.
If you are engaging in sexual activities all ‘careless whispers’ and ‘aggressive sounds such as panting, moaning and screaming,’ must be in French. No exceptions. A blow job must be framed as Le blow job.
Decree #6.
You must speak in French to your Priest, doctor and best friend.
Decree #7.
If you call 911 you must address it in French. This applies to all American tourists. They must do their part to protect our language against a sea of 330 million anglos.
Decree #8.
Every member of the Montreal Canadiens, Montreal Alouettes, CF Montreal and other professional and semi-professional teams must speak French with each other. Even in the shower.
Decree #9.
Comedians performing at the Just for Laughs festival in English must also do so in French. Every joke must be translated into French.
Decree #10.
Every person looking to work in Quebec must pass a proficiency test and must leave their religious convictions back where they came from.
Decree #11.
Dairy Queen, Home Depot, and all other trademarked corporations including Canadian Tire will display signage in French below the English words so as to ensure Quebecers do not get confused. Dairy Queen can mean many things.
Decree #12.
English language channels must show 50% Quebec content. If there is enough to reach 50%.
Decree #13.
Every customer purchasing a Hallmark card in English must be offered a French equivalent.
Decree #14.
All interactions in clubs and restaurants shall be conducted in French.
Decree #15.
No road signage in English.
Decree #16.
Scratch 15. Already the case dispute Vermont and Ontario having road signage in French for the safety of all drivers.
Decree #17.
When entering Canada through a Quebec border both official languages must be used.
Decree #18.
All software must be in French. All of it. Apple is hereby referred to as Pomme.
Decree #19.
All U.S. states and Ontario must provide French-language services to Quebecers visiting their jurisdictions. And offered a mask.
Decree #20.
All English schools will be conducted in French. No French Quebecer is permitted to send their children to a school of their choice as prescribed in Glorious Bill 101.
Decree #21.
When ordering food in a restaurant, ‘pasta’ must be referred to in French as ‘pates’. and ‘souvlaki’ as ‘poulet Grecque”. And so on for all other ethnic foods. It will be left to owners to figure out Tandoori.
We continue to respect the English language. We do not view these measures as punitive but reasonable responses to our language constantly under threat and duress. It is the duty of others to protect the French language.
I am Frenchois Legault and you will respect my authority.