Francois Legault Ordains Himself P'Tit Augustus In Tacky Ceremony
All Roads Lead To Nowhere?
Quebec Premier Francois Legault, the author of Bill 21 and Bill 96, has declared himself Augustus of Quebecium.
The two bills are watershed laws in the annals of Western law and society to the extent they will be taught to students on what not to do if the aim is to enhance and progress a pluralist and free democracy.
“Quebec serves a special purpose in the context of Western civilization,” Professor of Hubert Sumlin at the University of Law Boogaloo explained. “They take a theoretical none of us would ever put into practice. In this way, we get to monitor the results. So we thank Quebec for its stubborn commitment to parochial punitive law. It will remind us all how bad things can become.”
But the Premier is proud of his Bill. “I’m proud of this bill. I worked on it all night. I used 18 of the 24 Crayola colors. I used a lot of red. I also used this beanie with a propeller on top,” he proudly proclaimed.
Asked if he had any concerns that Quebec has been in direct violation of not just the Canadian constitution but its own Quebec Charters as well as various international human rights laws he replied, “What’s dat?”
Following questions from the press, the Premier got up and stood. As he stood erect a light shone upon him and a sombre Gregorian chant - but in French, because Quebec imposed a law that all Latin chants must be in French - began. Several midgets and gnomes appeared carrying a gaudy gold crown with grotesque gargoyles implanted into it.
Still erect, one of the midgets uttered, ‘Pst. Down here Frank”. He looked down and grabbed the crown and crookedly placed it on his head, shooed the midget off and began to speak.
“Moi, Francois Legault, le boss du Quebec declare que P’ Tit Augustus je suis1” Mock lightning bolts erupted in the background on a projector.
He then walked away slowly looking up out of the corner of his occasionally finally gesturing angrily to someone behind the curtains.
Then Public Safety Minister Christian Dube jumped on stage in a S&M costume and spoke loudly into the microphone. “Give a round of applause to AUGUSTUS! Pax Quebecium!” and stammered off the stage before falling on his face punched drunk.
A province anxiously awaits his next edict.