Ethicists Gather At Vorkutlag
"Ethics are meant to be broken".
Some of the most prominent ethicists in America and the world are holding a BBQ at Vorkuta, Russia at a conference on ethics. Vorkuta was the largest gulag in Russia between 1932-1962.
“The objective of this BBQ is to pick each other’s brains and see in what direction we want ethics to go in,” Bob from the University of Ethics Boogaloo. “Quite frankly, Covid has made us all a tad worried and ethics needs to follow the fear and evolve,” he added.
Bioethicist and health population guru Arthur Caplan explained having the meeting at Vorkutlag is symbolic of the importance of getting people to follow orders. “If we don’t make health obligatory then it all goes poof, crack and boom. I think firing up those gulags is an interesting idea but we have to find a balance. We don’t want to strip people of all their rights. We want most of their rights because it’s unethical for them to make healthy and informed health decisions on their own. I mean come on,” as he pointed both index fingers at his chest. '‘We’re the experts after all.”
Ekekiel Emmanuel roamed the gulag impressed by its size. “The West could never do something so ambitious. But we’re going to have to look critically at this. Covid is a killer. Like a big one,” letting out a scary growl. “I’m in the middle of updating my theory we should kill ourselves at 75. I’m thinking 45 makes more sense. Generally, health starts to decline after that so why take a chance?”
When asked about the Supreme Court overturning Roe V. Wade and restoring states’ rights, he replied, “It’s funny. They want to curb abortion and I argue that abortion is valid until 14. No 15. Hang on 16. Make that 17. Maybe 25 since that’s when the brain matures. Ok. 25.”
Life in Emmanuel’s world exists between the ages of 25 and 45? “You bet” he answered. “You got 20 years. Alexander the Great amassed a massive (albeit fragile) empire between 22 and 32 before dying. Sure it collapsed pretty much after he died but he made it happen is what counts. So make it count and then docs with the guns will come for ya!”
“Who are we kidding? Everyone knows bioethics is the art of justifying evil acts like murder. We ask questions like “What’s a moider? and explore the realm of ‘Life caps”. It’s where eugenics, egoism and bull shit collide in a three-way train wreck. But someone’s gotta do it,” Bob from you know where explained.
“All this stuff of Aristotelian and Kantian ethics. Get real. Ethics are meant to be broken. We took ethics and smashed it over our thighs like Bo Jackson a baseball bat because of Covid. No need for courage with ethics. Ethics is fluid. Like gender.”
Debbie Duzzdallas a lecturer at the Pfiser Institute for Industrial And Pharmaceutical Ethicks and Stuff told The Goolag that ethics should fuse with vaccines and Covid. “It only makes sense. We have to decide what kind of society we want to be. We have to ask these hard questions. Questions that conspiracists and racists don’t want to ask. If you question vaccines you’re an anti-vaxxer. I think that’s clear and obvious. The question now becomes what to do with them? At some point we have to ask ourselves what is free will and why are Armenians eating lasagne? There will be waves of Covid. We made sure of that. People will have to accept this and follow the rules and majority,” she rambled.
Todd from the University of Ethics 2 Boogaloo is considered an authority on specious analogies and will be a keynote speaker at the BBQ. “It’s all on the table. Seat belts, the concept of unvaccinated threaten vaccinated people because breakthrough infections (ha, ha. Still a thing I know!), communal ethics (aka greater good aka Marxism), if you travel to Europe they always asked for vaccination status, and the concept of your health autonomy is selfish and stops at my paranoia. We will also talk out of our asses about whether we should deny medical treatments to people who don’t follow orders wrapped up in vapid ethical meandering. We have to think of the stupid and fearful you know?”
The BBQ conference runs from May 30 to May 31.
“No one wants to be in Russia one day more than they have to. I hear the smoked Siberian Roe Deer is deelish!” Todd exclaimed.
The Goolag will continue to follow developments at the event.