Epidemiology degrees now available in a Cracker Jack box.

Mathematical Modellers Association mandates propeller beanies.

The organization representing epidemiologists of the world - Epidemiology R Us - has announced it is now possible to earn a degree in epidemiology through Cracker Jack prizes.

“We just felt with the performance of epidemiologists and their recommendations during this deadly moment in world history it was time to step up our game and get more people involved in this vocation,” explained the President of Epidemiology R Us.

“It can also address any gender inequities in the field. Though we’re not sure what the gender breakdown of people who consume Cracker Jack is. Fingers crossed!”

Cracker Jack graduate

Epidemiologists have been the biggest cheerleaders for a Maskful Society - a non-profit organization founded by the world’s top infectious disease experts with OCD - encouraging people to accept their new reality of living in constant fear of invisible germs.

The President continued. “We actually have taken a more creative approach to fight the virus. We like to tell people to envision the virus-like a dodgeball and to try and avoid it. Of course, you must wear a mask and social and emotional distance - unless you’re a person in a position of authority. People forget how hugging can be dangerous - but there are other strategies like the Five D’s of Dodgeball: Dodge, duck, dip, dive….and dodge. You do all these things and you’ll be fine. We think anyway.”

A Zoom conference on how to practice the 5 Ds while you shop is slated to take place soon. You will have to register first and wear a mask.

The Mathematical Modellers Association of North America has ordered all its members to wear propeller beanies.

“With the rise of mathematical modeller and its stupendous successes, it’s important we project our growing stature with confidence. And the beanie is just the cutest item to achieve this objective,” Paul from Imperial College told us from England.

Paul

“Flicking that propeller is a blast! See?” as he flicked the propeller several times with his index finger.

Mathematical models have played a key role in guiding public health officials in setting policies for countries. Despite its dismal track record, it’s not the accuracy of the results that count. It’s the ‘what if’ value. We can be off by the size of Kansas City but it doesn’t mean we’re wrong. It just means our fear warnings meant the action was taken and catastrophe averted. Big fan here,” explained a scientist from the University of Science Boogaloo.