Elbows and concussion injuries up in Canada

Experts double baffled.

Hospitals across Canada are experiencing an increase in severe elbow injuries and head trauma due to concussions.

The spike in injuries was observed by Dr. Bombayleaf of Toronto Sick As Hell Hospital. “From March of 2025 to now, we’ve seen quite the rise in patients coming in complaining of elbow pain and strange bumps around the temple area. It’s baffling.”

The situation has raised concern among public health officials who are monitoring the situation closely. “We’re definitely keeping an eye on it. It could be a pandemic. Who knows? Fingers crossed.”

Albert Whistlertoots after discharge

Leslie Long Parslee had been dealing with an elbow bruise for over two weeks before finally heading to the emergency. “I had been walking around in stores with my elbows up crashing into things. It got to be that I was banned from three stores for knocking down display units. I was told there’s little to be done other than to lower the elbows and give it a rest.”

“We recommend people use elbow pads to protect themselves,” elbow expert Paul Cuebert from the Bone Health Matters Institute said. “Quite frankly, they should wear a helmet and knee pads too. These are perilous times.”

Leslie agrees. “I definitely will invest in pads.”

It’s a similar story for Albert Whistletoots. “I was hit in the head by an errand elbow at the mall and thought nothing of it. But moments later my wife told me a long lump was growing. She said I looked like Barney Rubble. She’s always making fun of my height.”

Whistletoots visited a clinic and learned he had suffered a concussion. “By the time we saw a doctor “Al wondered if we arrived at the Coachella Valley. Now he thinks he’s American. How’s that for irony? He wasn’t pleased when he found out we were in Etobicoke,” his wife Hannah explained. He blurted out, “What in the fucking hell is EtobiCOKE?’”

For now, The Experts (TM) are advising people to stay home until their elbows can’t bend or start to vomit.

In the meantime, hospitals are dealing with the situation as best they could. “We’re at over capacity. Where’s the government? Where’s the lockdown?” one nurse shouted to a reporter about to enter a room. “I’m about to see someone who just came from the Canada Day concert and enjoyed himself. It’s pretty serious.”