Daily Derp: Elbows Up Magazine Gets Tennis Elbow
Also. Trump threatens tariffs against Canadians as individuals. "Why not? It's not like they're real."
By Jimmy Cents
Donald Trump has been a boon for the subsidized online industry in Canada. Within one day of announcing tariffs against Canada for being Canada, two childhood friends - who had been waiting for UBI to be introduced - decided to apply for a grant from the Canadian government to launch Elbows Up! magazine only to see it falter within an hour.
“It was one of those ‘it sounded like a great idea while high and watching Scooby-Doo’ things,” “Editor in Chief and CEO” Scott Choatie told The Goolag. (Buy our mugs).
With Canadian patriotism hitting an all-time high not seen since the last episode of The Littlest Hobo (a night that saw Canada take a day off)) has Canadian pride been this feverishly fervent. Choatie and boyhood friend Scott Chootie were smitten with love for Canada.
“I looked at Scott and said, ‘Elbows Up Magazine’, Chootie recounted. “And I looked at Scott and was all ‘Fucken-A’’ Choatie added.
The two Scotts applied for a grant and were approved within 15 minutes. They got to work storyboarding and looking for content to fill the first issue.
And that’s when they hit a major stumbling block.
“Neither of us knows how to write, “ Chootie explained. “Or read” Choatie added chuckling.
Elbows Up! Did manage to publish an issue despite challenges. “The magazine was ambitious. It reflected the unity Canadians feel at the moment,” Magazine Boogaloo Expert Blair Stanton observed. “But it was long on elbows and short in knees if you know what I mean.”
Nonetheless, the patriotic duo had faith and ploughed head but it was not meant to be.
In true Canadian fashion, when it came down to putting money down in support of Canadian content, it was not to be. Choatie assessed the failure philosophically. “Turns out we over estimated Canadian pride. I mean, what good is anything if people don’t pay for it?”
Elbows Up! magazine ceases to play because of a bad case of tennis elbow.
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Trump took time from his busy day trading tariff jabs with China to sneak in a jab at Canada. Canadian citizens in particular.
“I will impose a 10% tariff of all Canadians coming into Canada. They’re not nice people. Nasty. They don’t like Americans. Not very nice. But they like our beaches, Bourbon Street. Vegas, Disney and Legoland though. Hypocrisy comes at a price. If you don’t like us then you should pay us a tithe for having the privilege of coming into our beautiful country. Unless, you want to become the 51st. Or 52nd, 53rd and 54th states. I don’t care. It’s all the same to me. It would be great. Wonderful. But Canadians don’t want it so….15% tariffs is fair I think. Why not? It’s not like Canadians are real people anyway.”
Canada responded by promising retaliatory tariffs while Canadians promised to increase their anti-American rhetoric on social media.
The best satire always sounds so friggin' true! Well done!!🤣👍🏻