Canada Unveils Plan For Unvaccinated Canadians.
"A comprehensive and sensible way forward."
The Liberal government unveiled its plan for the reintegration of unvaccinated citizens into society as it transitions into a healthy segregated existence.
Sitting at a table while enjoying a meal, Public Health Minister Marco Mendicino and Health Minister Jean-Yves Duclos prepared to review the new rules as two representatives with menacing eyebrows from the World Economic Forum and World Health Organization looked on with stern gazes and crossed arms.
“We worked very hard on this. It’s a comprehensive and sensible way forward. We followed “The Science”” Duclos said.
“This plan ensures all Canadians are united in a safe space and protects the middle-class,” Mendicino announced while biting into a cannoli and spilling some ricotta on his tie.
As of May 31st, the rules will be as follows.
-Unvaccinated Canadians will be forced to the front of the bus.
“We felt the back of the bus conjured up memories of the American south. We’re Canadian. We’re better than that” Mendicino explained.
-Unvaccinated Canadians will be able to fly but must do so in the luggage cargo.
“We believe this is a good balance between public health safety, and respect of people’s rights,” Mendicino argued.
-Unvaccinated Canadians will use separate fountains and counters.
“It’s win-win. Quite frankly I think we should do more of this.” As for the potential extra costs for more counters in restaurants, diners and cafeterias” Mendicino said the government will invest $545 million dollars ensuring the industry complies. “This is about protecting people from these dirty scumbags. I think it’s sound governance and 4 in 5 Canadians agree.”
When a reporter wondered if this was all vaguely familiar, Duclos answered, ‘I don’t know what you mean”.
-Unvaccinated Canadian students will have different school hours.
“We believe vaccination is a choice but make the wrong choice and you’ll have to go to school between 10 pm and 6 am. And they’ll have to teach themselves. At least they’ll be in a school, right.” Duclos proudly proclaimed.
-Unvaccinated Canadians will have their own express lanes in stores and bike lanes on bike paths.
“It’s another sound investment. It will mean one less lane for cars. Of course, that means some streets will be exclusively bike and bus lanes but whaddya gonna do. Walk or use a bike. For the - ahem - environment,” explained Duclos enjoying an emphatic lick of ice-cream.
-Unvaccinated Canadians will have to be identified.
“For those who choose to not take this magical vaccine, they will be either branded with a letter or a yellow triangle. We haven’t decided on a letter, though I like ‘S’” in reviewing the final requirement. When asked if the yellow triangle would arouse concerns about the yellow stars used for Jews in Nazi Germany, Mendicino replied while inhaling a Momesso’s sausage sandwich, “It’s a triangle. Not a star. I don’t see the problem.'“
He was also asked if the branding of humans like cattle would raise concerns about human rights and if it was an idea from Nathaniel Hawthorme’s novel ‘The Scarlett Letter’ he responded, “Huh? Human rights? And novel? Wuts dat?” before reaching for a slab of spumoni with his hands and spreading it across his mouth like a fucken idiot.
While Mendicino unzipped and removed his pants hurling them over his shoulders to slobber off, Duclos closed the press conference by stating, “Please help yourselves to some refreshments. However, for the unvaccinated, you will be escorted from the premises where there’s a corner convenience store offering water and if you get there before closing time, you may even get some beer.”