Canada to replace judges with kangaroos

The judicial court system in Canada is getting a makeover.

“Some places will have robots, we’re opting for kangaroos. It’s a natural fit,” Chief Justice of the Supreme Woke Court of Canada Richard Wagner announced on CTV News.

Our correspondent on judicial matters asked Wagner, “So you’re creating kangaroo courts?” Wagner replied, “I’m not familiar with that term.” Our reporter also learned from an insider that “COVID has put a tremendous strain on the system. We need to speed up the process and kangaroos may just be the perfect solution potentially offering more efficient judgments in favor of the state.

Depiction of Canadian after a ruling in a Kangaroo court

A clerk added, “What’s so hard to do? Pay lip service to the Charter - yada, yada, yada - and side with the government. Do we really need to pay a judge to continue this charade? The beauty of kangaroos is you don’t have to pay them and everyone loves them. Who didn’t love Hippety Hopper whenever he punched out Sylvester, amirite? No? Whatever. Kangaroos.”

There are advantages to importing kangaroo judges. An economist at the University of Boogaloo pointed it as being cost-effective. “Kangaroos don’t need a living wage or expensive pension. Plus they aren’t ideologues by nature. The only systemic concerns they have is whether they’ll be denied pancakes at IHOP. Get it? Jokes aside, kangaroos will be a tremendous addition to out courts. Think of the entertainment!”

Canada is finalizing a deal with Australia to send 9 Kangaroos. Officials hope to have the marsupials trained and ready to dole out Canadian justice by October.