Breaking: Pfizer Redefines 'Rare' To Mean 1 in 3 For Vaccines; Canadian Doctors can now apply for 'Licensed Murderer' status; Freeland becomes Minister of Frozen Bank Accounts.
Breaking: Pfizer Redefines 'Rare' To Mean 1 in 3 For Vaccines; Canadian Doctors can now apply for 'Licensed Murderer' status; Freeland becomes Minister of Frozen Bank Accounts.
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In their clinical trials, Pfizer has lowered the threshold for what is ‘rate’ to 1 in 3. This adjusts the previously standard 1 in 100 000 ratio.
When asked if they’re trying to confuse or mislead people, a Pfizer exec responded, “Why? We already did.”
An epidemiologist from the University There thinks the change is appropriate. ‘Science is about following the data. 1 in 3 sounds about right to me. 1 in 3. 1 in a million. What’s the difference? As long as it’s not 1 in 1. Then we’re in a pickle.”
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In Canada, a formerly respected democracy now turned frozen banana republic - where its secretive and shadowy Cabinet is referred to as Banana Peelheads - the government is now issuing licenses for murder.
A silhouetted aide an unnamed Cabinet Ministers explained, ‘For now only doctors can apply. We can trust doctors to follow orders as required.”
One doctor exclaimed upon hearing the news, ‘Finally! It’s getting tedious winking all the time. Now we experts can credential our credentials with more licensed credentialism. The government did the right thing by making it official. And check these cards out!”
‘The Canadian government is always striving to protect Canadians. By issuing licenses we can better control the murder rates in Canada. We don’t want to be like those barbaric Americans,” read a statement from behind curtains at press conference.
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Chrystia Freeland has been promoted (depends how one views it) to the newly created Minister of Frozen Bank Accounts.
Also added to her duties was the task of conveying all messaging regarding ‘it’s not bad news because we gotta act fast and the Charter just slows us down to save the planet’ to the public.
“Lametti called to congratulate me. He joked about how cool it would be if I could literally freeze accounts with ice like Mr. Freeze. Funny guy that David. Marco too. They have wonderful sense of humours. Remember when they joked about tanks in Ottawa? I didn’t get that one though. I thought ‘hey, now there’s a good way to crush people’s spirits, “ an elated and euphoric Freeland beaming with joy told reporters.
“Chrystia relishes giving bad news,” an insider said. “When she announced domestic travel bans for the unvaccinated and made permanent the power to freeze bank accounts, there was a glow of pride around her. After the travel bans announcement she was so pleased she told her staff “Steak is on me - well, the taxpayers - tonight! Yummy!”