Anthony Fauci Self-Diagnoses As "Selective Bi-Polar".

"That was my twin brother, Ralph. Ralph Fauci. "

Dr. Anthony Fauci - America’s Doctor - announced he’s struggling with what has been described as ‘Selective BiPolar’.

In recent months, the part of the Internet and media still operating on functional critical thinking skills has vociferously called on Fauci to explain his multiple flip-flops and contradictory positions during the entire Covid-19 pandemic response.

“I’m just an old man, really. No, really. I’m old. I forget things. Just this morning I couldn’t remember which of my patents are still profitable. It’s really hard I tell ya. But I called my partner Billy - Gates - and he set me straight.”

Fauci acknowledges his messaging could have been better and vowed to work on it during his retirement while he volunteers at the orphanage giving Home Economics lessons.

“I need to do better. I will do better. But it’s been hard for me.”

His wife Cynthia, America’s Bio-Ethicist - began noticing Fauci wasn’t himself. “Tony was constantly saying one thing and doing another. It got to be really annoying. I almost wanted to kill him. Which would be fine because I would find a way to justify it as a mercy killing. It’s then I told Tony maybe he should see a doctor. A real doctor.”

He did. And the news wasn’t good. While the psychiatric establishment terms it as ‘Bi-polar’, Cynthia thinks it’s more like ‘Selective Bi-Polar’. “Tony knows damn well what he’s saying. He just thinks we don’t notice.”

“Selective Bi-pilar disorder has no official clinical status but we’re working on it,” CDC Director Rochelle ‘Rochelle’ Walensky promised.

“It sounds pretty serious,” she added.

For now, the bureaucrat spook who did more than anyone in human history to save lives is taking it one day at a time and will be once again hitting the talk show circuit.

Ralph ot Tony?

In a recent moving interview with Stephen Colbert he revealed he has a twin brother. “That person you saw saying he didn’t recommend lockdowns and school closures or claim the experimental shots stop transmission? That was my twin brother, Ralph. Ralph Fauci. We used to call him Ralph Malph because of his red hair,” he said.

“He sounds like a real sweet redhead,’ Colbert said.

“He really is. A little dorky but I’m a dork too. Really. I am. I’m just a really old, dorky chunk of coal who’s trying to do his best,” as he sat on a booster on his chair.

Holding back tears he continued, “This booster is really effective,” then he turned to the camera with a deadpan smirk.

For more information on Bi-polar or Selective Bi-Polar disorder please call Chet Anacreon at the University of Things In My Head Boogaloo.