Ancient Spices Runs Afoul Of Health Officials

Tumeric and cumin are among the list of spices that have experts worried.

With the popularity of exotic spices on the rise, health experts caution consumers against sinking into alternative health rabbit holes. To combat the rise of misinformation, the government believes it must actively pursue policy that protects Canadians from overdosing on spices.

“It’s a delicate balance controlling the health of Canadians and updating the four food groups. It’s a lot of work. Like, does dairy provide enough protein? Who knows? But we’re here to bring clarity to it all,” Health Minister Mark Holland told a reporter after refusing our queries.

When asked whether it was insane to focus on spices after this government legalized one of the most addictive and deadly opiates - Fentanyl - in history and expanding the potential for death with its MAIDS program, Holland responded, ‘You’re fake news.’

We never said that we weren’t.

In a telephone call through one of our international partners who provide British accent services, an unelected health bureaucrat provided further details for an interest in spices. “We’ve noticed Canadians are seeking dubious alternatives to proven traditional chemical and pharmaceutical options and it’s a concern. Yes, spices are among those we’re looking at,” she said. “I like your accent. It’s very debonair,” she demurred.

Teaspoon of terror

Spice enthusiasts are voicing their consent. The Spice Aged Women Association - an advocacy group for healthy living with spices - is one of them. Gayle from the SAWA fumed, “It’s all about their damn stakeholders. A euphemism for pharma,” Canadians for Cinnamon put out a statement which said in part, ‘First numeric, and then cinnamon!’

The government’s interest in spices has foodies worried about what’s about to come.

“What does he mean by that?” Tommy owner of the Tumeric Tomb told The Goolag. “These spices have known healing properties that help millions of people every day. And they’re delicious in a smoothie. Make sure to mix it with a soluble fat!”

Health experts are aware that this could potentially be a contentious issue but aren’t backing down.

President of Make Right Choices For A Better Future Together and Forever and Ever (MRCFBFTFE+), a non-profit entity with ties to Public Health Agency Canada Jenna Karen Grunt, “Look. I love turmeric, cumin and cardamon. But their strong aromas and powerful colouring can be overpowering and intimidating for Canadians not accustomed to such prolific spices with powerful personalities. Canadians aren’t audacious and educated enough about spectacular spices to make informed decisions. They need us to make those choices for them.”