America Declares A War On The Common Cold

"The war on drugs and poverty was a success."

Fresh of an Executive Order placing measles on a list of communicable diseases, President Joe Biden also told the nation his administration declared a War on the Common Cold. “I’m tired of getting the cold. It’s time to take the fight to it. Ooo. Is that vanilla”?

Experts applauded the decision. “I think this a bold move. The war on drugs and poverty was a success so it’s only natural to take on the common cold,” said an expert boogaloo.

Tastes Salty

Another expert boogaloo said it was time to use every vaccine available to fight the common cold. “Honestly, it’s complacency and anti-vaxxers who made the common cold what it is. If they’d just take the damn vaccine we’d be rid of all these viruses!”

Asked about the feasibility or practicality of taking on the common cold, Biden responded, “If I find myself there in the, uh, well you know with a kleenex box blowing so hard it feels like my brains came out I mean….” followed by a confused gaze. He continued, “Look. Come on man! It’s a cold. Man up! Deal with it!”

Suddenly, the Planter’s Peanut man gently nudged Joe off the podium waving while throwing packs of peanuts to the crowd.

With Joe off the stage he added, ‘Get vaccinated against the common cold! May contain traces of nuts!”

He then fielded questions but he was distracted by his monocle constantly adjusting it, ‘Damn fucking monocle. I can’t see shit!” and began to walk in circles using his cane to direct him. Biden then appeared and the blind was leading the blind as they kept colliding before falling off the stage in a 69er position.

You could hear the faint cry of Joe saying, ‘you're salty’.