After suspending elections, Ukraine vaults into #1 spot by democracy experts.
"It was a satisfying moment for Ukraine".
Upon the cancellation of elections by President Volodymyr Zelensky, Ukraine has attained number one status as the world’s top democracy.
This marks a notable achievement for Zelensky and a redemption of sorts after being declined a personal loan recently. As part of the celebration, he flew to Monaco saying ‘It was a satisfying moment for Ukraine’ and was later seen streaking in the streets screaming, ‘CANADA! CANADA! BEST NAZIS!’
A survey conducted by the Center for Keep Democracy Off Ventilators (CKDOV)and The Democracy Lives in Sun Light Soap Foundation (DLSLSF) consisting of 45 democracy experts declared Ukraine to ‘be the whole wheat of democracies.’
“This is a country that makes Wheaties - it’s’ the breakfast of champions - look like soggy Captain Crunch corn mush,” Democracy Expert #15 told The Goolag.
Ukraine has been embroiled in an ongoing war of attrition with Russia since the 9th century according to Russian President Vladimir Putin.
“It’s complicated. You see, it goes back to the Rus - who were Vikings. We’re unsure where the ‘sia’ part came from. Legend claims it stems from an argument between a Rus high on Norwegian mushrooms and a bear. In his drunken stupor - which included the bear performing an early Medieval form of ballet - the Rus pioneer applauded the bear and shouted incoherent words including, ‘Russsssssssss,’ ‘Rusgadonk,’ and finally ‘Russah’ after a long swig of beer with the later becoming the official name of the Motherland evolving into the modern name of ‘Russia’,” explained Putin in an interview in 2008.
Where does Ukraine fit in all this? Putin shrugged his shoulders and replied with a smirk, ‘It doesn’t. Or does it? Who knows? Like Dostoevsky said, ’Ukraine, what’s it good for?’
How did they determine Ukraine’s new found status? “Oh, we just applied liquid paper to the previous top democracy, I think it was Norway or some shit, see?’ a secretary at the Democracy R Us - a partner in the Democratic Alliance of Countries Who Do Democracy Good - told The Goolag/ “So cool. Take that Putin!’ as she reached for her asthma pump.
‘I think we need to re-examine how we view democracy. Does Ukraine ban Churches? You bet it does. Does it imprison journalists? Heck, they kill them! Has it embraced and celebrated Nazis? No one’s perfect. All these things prove Ukraine is a country honest with itself. Isn’t honesty the bedrock of democracy? And if it is, then how can Ukraine not be the best democracy?’ Democracy Expert #47 said.
Critics of the survey cited no methodology was provided for their decision other than a confusing statement that ‘Those Ukraine girls really knock us out and that they were going to kick Russia back to the USSR.’
Another problem with the survey is that several of the names were cartoon characters including Snagglepuss, Jeffrey Dexter Boomhauer III, and Fritz the Cat.
Another conspiracy theory coming true...also, coming to a country near you!