A New Extremely Far Right White Supremacist Group Emerges in Canada.

"What's happening to this colony?"

A new report from the Anti-Hate Boogaloo Hall (AHBH) was presented in Parliamentary committee warning about a new hate group that has emerged on the Canadian hate landscape.

“It’s troubling,” Bernie Farber said from his basement of the Hate Hound Pound; the research arm of the AHBH. “I gotta tell ya’ scratching his head, “these groups are sprouting up like dandelion all over the place. Hate has no zip code know what I mean?”

The group referred to as Cottojambon is said to have mysteriously emerged in central Saskatchewan where the legendary samsquanch - making the long trek from rural Nova Scotia - sometimes mates. “We’re having a hard time nailing these suckers down but we do know Pierre Poilievre won’t condemn them which makes this a national security issue,” Farber added.

Cotoojambon flag of liberty

Researcher Katy Telford - no relation to Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s Chief of Staff - at the Aggressive Research Lillypewshin Institute for Dismisinformation and Stuff noted. “That makes it three hate groups operating in Canada. Diagalon, Proud Boys, Jiffy Lube, Pep Shop Boys and Rick in Orelia.” When asked why this is a problem she replied, “It’s not just these groups. It’s any association with at least a member of one. That’s what makes this exponential rise in hate groups so problematic. You can’t just mandate helmets for this sort of thing. We need to get INSIDE the head. You know?”

She continued. “Here’s what we know about them. They like to sound the ‘Dixie’ horn from something called the General Lee. Our research indicates that the General Lee was a real General on the wrong side during something called the Civil War. But it’s also a vehicle shamelessly emblazoned with a Confederate flag known to be engaged in moonshining- and perhaps sex and dwarf trafficking - in the deep woods of Georgia eluding police at every turn. It sometimes is joined by another renegade who goes by the name of ‘The Bandit’ in 1977 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am also known to be skilful at escaping law enforcement.

Thus, we conclude the group is racist. This is further confirmed by the fact their choice of music includes The Marshall Tucker Band, The Allman Brothers Band, Lynyrd Skynyrd, ZZ Top, The Black Crowes, Charlie Daniels Band, J.J. Cale, Creedence Clearwater Revival, Molly Hatchet, Hank Willians, Leon Russell and Mudcrutch. We’re unfamiliar with these bands but judging by their lytics and use of southern drawl and twang, we can but conclude they’re racist in nature. The group also likes to BBQ a lot. In one gathering, there was excessive use of Meathead’s rub and Budweiser. Our intelligence indicates it wasn’t Dylan Mulvaney Bud. Why this is happening in Canada we don’t know. What we do know is right wing groups are importing excessively extreme American racism and looking to prey on peaceful and obedient Canadians who want no part of their hate. Hate will always be hated here.’

Fact checkers and researchers hard at work.

Telford went on to cite David Fisman of the Institute for Pandemics. An authority on fraudulent behaviour and hate explained, “Hate groups like this one tend to be unvaccinated. Our models show that when unvaccinated people who BBQ mingle with healthy innocent vaccinated people bad things happen. Here. Take a look at my Mathamodel-O-Rama machine and Transmogrifier. Lemme just flip the switch. There. Hang on. It’s transmitting information now. Ah yes. I like these little slips that come out of the slot. Silence Belfusco! He’s a good servant but he holds me back. Anyway. Where was I? Ah yes! See? You will be stalked, raped and killed by an unvaccinated extremist wielding a meat spatula. Therefore, I conclude, based on science, these people need to be arrested and char grilled.”

The government, for its part, is taking the report very seriously. To the extent, of course, Canada takes things seriously.

Canada is such a serious colony I took it over in 15 minutes lying down like this!

Acting on an anonymous tip. The Goolag headed for an abandoned parking lot. There, we met with ‘Phil’ who stood behind a pillar with only his slippers exposed. ‘The Slipperman’ as we called him called us over. “Pst. That’s far enough” he ordered. We asked him about how seriously Canada was taking the report. “Let’s not get to funky here. It’s Canada. The ‘Fredo of nations. It will take some time for our government to, erm, digest this new information. We’re barely making sense of what’s happening with China and our elections. Hoo-boy,” Slipperman said. “You didn’t hear it from me,” as he blended into the cold, sterile concrete and disappeared leaving only his slippers behind.

Attorney-General Arif Virani promised to ‘get the fucken tools with some real fucken bad hate speech laws. You’ll see” while an eyebrow-less Prime Minister Trudeau promised he will ‘go, uh, around the Charter, ah, if need be to arrest, uh, and prosecute without, ah, due process the people behind, uh, this opera cake of hate because it’s what Canadians, uh, expect me to do. I will, ah, always be there, uh, for LGBTQ+ Hamas and minor, uh, Canadians. Why? It’s, uh, ah, uh, the Canadian way to scratch each other’s balls and backs with, uh, long sharp nails. Ooo-ooo-ahh-ahh.”

Former Olympian Adam van Koeverden was given the report as he ate a banana. He glanced at it and said, ‘Sure, I’ll read anything.”

Heed the brow.

MP Mark Gerretsen’s eyebrows had stern words or warning for Canadians “What’s happening to this colony? The consensus is clear among the experts. Cottojambon is a threat to you, your children, their children, your pet…….and if you disagree cash me outside bitch,” as he flung an index card in the House of Commons.

His action drew the dreaded slide whistler from The Speaker as a warning. Soon after, daycare employees came in to prepare MPs for nap time.

The revelation of a new hate group in Canada has also garnered attention from the White House and State Department. “We are very concerned with what’s going on in Rehoboth Beach.” President Biden said. “It’s something we will choke some bones on.” The State Department for now has refrained putting the group on its watchlist.

As it stands. It’s not clear what Cottojambon’s demands are - if any - other than a promise to remove all socks from Canada leaving it sockless ‘because we can’t take Justin’s socks anymore. Join us for a sock free Canada!” It has recruited The Rhinoceros Party as a consultant to achieve this objective.